


P. S. I Love You

by jenajasper



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, M/M, Minor Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Self-Sacrificing Dean, Separation Anxiety, Sibling Incest, Sibling Love, True Love, sam tries to move on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 15:19:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5168696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenajasper/pseuds/jenajasper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean fell in love with Sam the first time he saw him. As much as a three year old could understand what that means. </p><p>And Sam loved Dean. As soon as he was old enough to distinguish between the members of his family, he knew he loved Dean the best.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean slowly pushed the partially opened door to the bedroom. He held on to it to prevent it from hitting the dresser. With the help of the hallway light, he could see his little brother curled up under the blankets. Dean stepped into the room as lightly as his boots would allow. 

It was only a step or two to his own bed, the closest to the door. He removed his jacket on the way and tossed it aside. In the absolute silence, he heard the buttons tap the wooden arm of the chair and turned his head quickly to see if Sam had been disturbed. He sat down on the bed slowly, again, to avoid unnecessary noise. 

Dean hated these tiny rooms. But his dad always tried to leave them in a house whenever they would be in a town for more than a few weeks. And smaller was always cheaper. 

He told them it would be more normal.

Dean hated that word, normal. It was always something they had to do, something they had to be. For everyone else, normal was just the way it was. 

But it did seem to make a difference to Sam. He liked having an address that wasn’t a motel. He didn’t have friends over, his dad would never allow that, but, he had started walking to school with a couple of the neighborhood kids. 

Dean removed his boots and placed them gently on the floor. Then he stripped down to his underwear and slipped into bed.

Sam rolled over and pulled the covers tighter. He opened his eyes, not having been awakened by anything in particular. He was just aware that Dean had come home.

He could see the time on the clock on the bedside table. He knew he should just close his eyes and go back to sleep. But, he was becoming more and more curious about what Dean did on these nights out. 

Sam would be fourteen in a few months. He noticed things were happening to him. Some of them were physical, and Dean always helped him to understand. But some of it was in his head. It was all about growing up, he knew that. 

He wanted to know who Dean spent his time with. Who it was that could keep him away from home. Away from him. 

Sam always felt that Dean belonged to him. Not like a possession but, like a part of himself, like blood or air, something he needed to live. And Dean was always there. Of course, as they got older, the world got bigger. Sam made friends and Dean made dates.

Sam had girlfriends, friends that were girls. He could appreciate a friendly smile and a pretty face. Dean had taught him that. Sam had boyfriends too, friends that were boys. And he could appreciate broad shoulders and a square jaw. Though unaware, Dean had taught him that, as well. 

Sam looked again at the clock. He wanted to talk to his brother. Even though he didn’t understand the urgency of it. He spoke his brother’s name as softly as he could and still be heard. 

“Sam, if you’re not sick, go back to sleep,”  
“I’m okay , Dean. Just glad you’re home.”

Dean turned to face his brother and opened his eyes. It was a dark night and there wasn’t enough light for Dean to see more than an outline. And there wasn’t enough light for Sam to see his smile. 

“Thanks. Good night, Sammy.”


	2. Chapter 2

It was three weeks later and dinner was a bit of a celebration. Their dad had called and said he would be home in a day or two. Sam got his report card. A rare document that reflected almost a full semester of good grades. And Dean was staying home tonight. 

Sam was maybe happiest about that. He hated it when Dean went out. He hated thinking about girls or anybody being close to him. He knew these thoughts were a little crazy but, something made him feel this way. And he didn’t care if it was crazy or wrong. He thought of having Dean all to himself and it felt good. 

Dean cleaned up after dinner and when he was done, he joined his brother on the couch where Sam had started his homework. Sam scooted closer. He flung his long legs over the arm of the sofa and leaned his head on Dean’s shoulder. Dean wrapped his arm around Sam.

“Dean, how do you know when you love someone?”

Dean’s thoughts exploded with that question. He was being very careful especially now that his little brother was growing up. Sam had feelings both physical and emotional that he couldn’t control and it fell on Dean to control his. 

But still, Dean smiled big and broad and said, “It’s how fast they say yes.”

Sam sat up and looked Dean in the face. He didn’t react as Dean had expected. He pouted and his eyes drooped and he didn’t really understand. 

Dean turned away. He needed a better answer. He thought about what a jerk he was. He looked at his little brother then held him close. 

“There’s different kinds of love , you know that, right? I mean, you love your family and you can love your friends…”

“And you and me, we love each other, right Dean?”

“More than anything.” Dean meant what he was saying but, something about the tone of the conversation made him uncomfortable. His brother was vulnerable. He was too much under the control of hormones that were not under control. And Dean didn’t want to encourage any of this. He needed to change direction, quickly. 

Dean asked his brother if there was a girl that he liked. When Sam didn’t answer, Dean turned back around and saw that Sam was hanging his head. Dean knew this teen angst gig. A boy, he thought, and he asked the question. 

Still Sam didn’t speak. He looked up at his brother and Dean felt his own face fall. 

“Do you mean sex, Sammy? ‘Cause I can tell you all you need to know about that. And that’s not the same as love.”

“No, Dean, not sex. Well, maybe that too but…I feel weird. I get all nervous and I can’t breath right and kinda mad sometimes..”

“Whoa, dude, that’s pretty bad. A girl at school?”

Sam shook his head slowly. His eyes welled up and Dean could swear that he saw Sam’s lips tremble. His hands gripped so tightly to his textbook that there should soon be tiny red stripes of paper cuts on his fingers.

“Is it a boy, Sammy?” 

Sam didn’t answer. He couldn’t. How do you tell your brother about feelings like this. 

Dean reached out and pulled his brother to him. He held him and stroked his hair. “ You know that’s alright, don’t you? But, he has to like you too. It’s not the same as girls. It’s way easier to convince a girl. I just don’t want you to get hurt. You gotta be careful, that’s all.”

Dean waited. 

“Dean, did you ever? Did you ever want to?”

He never wanted to have this conversation.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam was seventeen. He was taller than most of his friends and less spindly and gawky than he had been. He was starting to fill in his awkward frame. He was still shy and that made him more attractive. He had a sweet smile, warm and sincere.

His high school career was winding down and his grades encouraged and supported his interest in going to college. He knew it would take some serious financial aid but, the school counselor was very optimistic and very helpful.

The minute he found out about Stanford, Sam called Dean. He wanted him to be the first to know. He hadn’t even gone back to class after his meeting with the counselor. It was a full scholarship. He would want for nothing. Dean would come with him. He could get a job, a mechanic or something and they could stay together.

Sam heard the Impala’s V8 engine. And he was already at the curb when Dean rolled up. He hadn’t told Dean more than that he had news and that he needed to see him right away. 

Dean heard the excitement in Sam’s voice. He couldn’t imagine what news his brother could have. He was in school, after all. Did the building burn down, was it haunted? He laughed to himself; probably some award or accolades, he was sure. As little use as Dean had for these things, he knew how much doing well meant to Sam and he was always proud of his younger brother’s accomplishments.

Sam jumped into the car and immediately grabbed Dean’s face in his hands and kissed his lips. Dean’s eyes widened in surprise, not from the kiss but from the intensity. The moment was short lived. Sam was still holding the acceptance letter and the folded paper was sharp against Dean’s skin. 

“What the hell is that?” he asked. 

It’s our future, was Sam’s thought. But what he said was “Sorry.” with a small smile. Then, stuffing the letter in his shirt pocket, he returned to kissing his brother. The kisses were strong and reckless. They sat in the car in front of the school for all to see, and that was okay.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

p>Sam had been talking about Dean since coming to this school. They had become more than brothers and Sam described him as his boyfriend, because he could. And it felt good.   
It was one day, early in the school year, that Dean had come to pick him up. Exiting the building, one of Sam’s friends noticed the big black car and the very cute boy leaning against it. Sam turned and said, “That’s Dean.”

That was the first time he kissed Dean in front of the kids at school.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Now, feeling it necessary to take control, Dean pressed a palm to Sam’s chest with a gentle pressure and it broke the kiss. He ran his tongue along his upper lip then said,  
“Unless you sold tickets to this thing, how about we get out of here?”

Sam smiled, biting his lip and shrugging his shoulders, then sat back in his seat. 

Sam’s excitement was contagious and visual. As he drove, Dean could see, from the corner of his eye, Sam’s constant fidgeting. He had something to say. But he had told Dean he wanted his full attention so he wouldn’t talk until they were settled. Dean knew it was big but he couldn’t decide which of them was more anxious.

Dean chose not to go home. He drove them to a place he knew, where they would be alone. He pulled the car to the rear of a deserted construction site. He turned off the car’s engine and faced his brother. Even as he slid from behind the wheel and before he could say anything, Dean was already being manhandled. 

Sam was unable to control his energy any longer. He couldn’t control himself enough to speak. Almost as soon as the car stopped, he pounced on Dean. Even in the small space, he managed to get on his knees and plant his right one between Dean’s legs. 

Dean could feel the full weight of his brother upon him; he wrapped his arms around Sam; he squeezed the t-shirt fabric and held on. Sam pressed his groin against Dean’s hipbone. He ran one hand through his brother’s short hair and wrapped the other around the back of Dean’s neck. And he kissed him. He attacked him. 

He held that plump bottom lip within his bite and sucked it until he was sure he had brought all the blood to the surface. Then he released it and thrust his tongue into his brother’s mouth. All the while, Dean could feel Sam’s arousal against his hip. 

They were both breathing in short quick bursts. They were both feeling physically uncomfortable within the confines of their clothing. Dean gripped Sam’s face in his hands and separated them just long enough to say, 

“We got more room in the back seat.”


	4. Chapter 4

The first time Sam kissed Dean was during finals week of his junior year in high school. And it was only the fact that it was finals week and that Dean was so insistent, that their father let Sam stay behind. 

There was a report of demon activity in a nearby town. It was the kind of thing that hopefully would get the Winchesters closer to the demon that ruined their family. 

Dean had been hunting for several years now. He was very protective of Sam and although, experience could only help, he tried to keep Sam out of the work as much as possible. They trained and they were both quite capable but, Sam had more to give the world, in Dean’s mind. 

Three days later Sam was standing by the window of the motel room. He had the curtain bunched tightly in his hand and his forehead pressed against the glass. His breath created a fog which he nervously wiped away with his other hand. 

Dean had called. He was on his way back, alone. The hunt had gone terribly wrong and their father had moved on with the others to finish the fight. He believed it would be only a few more days. What Dean neglected to tell Sam was that the reason he did not continue on, was because of injury. 

From the second floor window, Sam could see the Impala turn into the parking lot. He watched the door open and then nothing. It seemed an incredible amount of time before he saw Dean’s boot hit the ground. And then even longer before the other followed suit. 

By the time Sam had opened the door and stepped out, Dean had still not gotten out of the car. By the time Sam reached his brother, Dean was standing, leaning heavily on the car door. 

Sam practically carried Dean to their room. He wasn’t yet strong enough to literally carry him but he did lift his brother up each step. The bloody clothing was deceiving. Dean was more exhausted from the combination of the fight and the drive than from his actual injuries. 

Sam insisted on helping Dean clean up. He gingerly removed the torn and bloody clothing. The cuts and scrapes, although numerous, were not nearly as serious as Sam feared.

Dean held Sam’s shoulders tightly. Tightly enough to draw Sam’s attention. He touched a bruise on Dean’s face just above the cheekbone. And at that same moment he heard a deep sigh from his brother. Dean had closed his eyes and when he opened them again, Sam was looking directly into him. 

He could feel a heat that started outside of himself. It emanated from the hazel of Sam’s eyes, a golden color like the sun. It passed through his own eyes and spread like intoxication to his brain. Although his lips felt dry, he could feel his mouth begin to water. He licked his lips and watched Sam’s eyes dart down and back. 

Dean pulled his brother closer even as Sam moved his hand around to support the back of Dean’s head. Their lips met, tentatively. It was relief and fear and joy and discovery and love all at once. 

Sam started a hot shower and Dean slowly made his way to the bathroom.   
Dean felt like he was a hundred years old. Every muscle ached and he would swear that all his bones were out of place. Sam watched and wore an expression that was sympathy and humor all at once. 

The steam and heat worked magic on Dean’s battered body. He leaned against the smooth tiles and let the water pound his back. His mind drifted and he imagined strong hands massaging his knotted muscles. 

He felt a slight pressure on his back. It moved up and down , a light touch, like fingers along his spine. Dean let his head fall back and was immediately pressed against the shower wall, with only his brother’s arm separating him from the tiles, his head coming to rest on Sam’s shoulder.


	5. Chapter 5

Sam didn’t know how many times he had called Dean; he only knew he didn’t answer. He couldn’t understand why his brother had refused to come with him. His father didn’t need him as much as Sam did. 

Dean would never interfere in Sam’s decision to go to school. He would live that normal life that he wanted. He would share that greatness with the rest of the world, that Dean saw in him. 

How could Dean ignore him? They didn’t part angry but, maybe Dean was hurt. Sam would never intentionally hurt his brother. That’s why he’s calling. He wants Dean to come to him. They can live a life together. He wants to make Dean happy; he knows he can.

When Dean first heard of Sam’s decision, time stopped. He wanted to scream “Don’t go!” He wanted to beg, “Don’t leave me!” He wanted to say “I love you.” And he did love him so he would let him go.

If Dean had answered any one of Sam’s calls; if he even heard his voice, he would have gone to him. The intensity of his feelings for Sam was unlike anything he had ever felt. He wouldn’t ruin this opportunity; he would stay away and if ever Sam came back, Dean would be waiting. 

Sam knew what Dean was saying when he told him that this would be a fresh start. That this would be a brand new life. But he didn’t want a new life; he wanted Dean. However, it appeared that Dean meant what he said. After three weeks, Sam stopped calling.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She was tall and blonde and beautiful. She had a laugh that was musical and a smile that drew you in. Her name was Jessica. It was impossible not to notice her. Sam was shocked that she noticed him. 

Sam had only agreed to go out because his study group practically kidnapped him. He thought he had no interest in any personal relationships. He felt his heart was broken and he didn’t need it any more.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It grew slowly. There were walks and coffee early in the morning before class. There were quiet evenings in the library and rowdy nights at the bar. There were deep meaningful conversations about feelings and wishes and dreams. And eventually there was love.

By the time Sam was a senior, there was talk of a future. Talk of home and family. His thoughts always drifted to Dean whenever he thought of home and family. 

They hadn’t spoken in years and if Sam hadn’t been so persistent with other hunters, he would not have known how his brother was doing. But, he needed to know that he was alright even if they were now estranged. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was late and something disturbed the quiet. Sam opened his eyes at the sound. He hadn’t felt this way for a very long time. His muscles tensed and he kept perfectly still and listened. He heard another sound; it was nothing anyone else would have noticed. It could have been a step outside in the street. It could have been a branch rustling against the window. But it wasn’t any of those things.

Sam got out of bed and grabbed the nearest thing he could use as a weapon. He crept toward the sounds. He wasn’t afraid; he was in the zone as he had been taught. He was focused and determined to protect his home. 

By the time the scuffle was over, Sam was on his back with the wind knocked out of him. Dean laughed and once he regained himself, Sam flipped them around and stared down into his brother’s face. He was confused and almost convinced he was dreaming. 

They hugged each other and if Jess hadn’t come into the room,..... 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dean had come for his help and Sam had agreed to help him.  
It would only be a couple of days. He wasn’t prepared to leave his new life behind. He had a future now but, he also had an opportunity to spend some time with Dean. He missed him more than he even realized..

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dean knew about Jess, of course he did. 

He could have found their father on his own, of course he could.

But he came to Sam anyway. And this time together would awaken those old feelings, dragged up from deep inside. The need, the want. And he would let Sam take him there, of course he would.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean sat in the car and waited. He felt a fluttering inside. Like a schoolgirl, he thought and was embarrassed. As Sam approached the car, Dean saw how much he had grown. He wasn’t taller but fuller. He had built himself up and he seemed more confident, more self assured and it was captivating. 

Sam got in and looked at Dean. He reached over and held Dean’s hand to stop him from turning the key in the ignition. “I missed you.” he said. 

Dean closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. He didn’t want to pull his hand away so he didn’t. He could feel Sam’s thumb moving slowly, back and forth, back and forth. It touched Dean on the inside.

The streetlight in the alley shed a beam directly across the windshield and it lit Dean’s face. Sam looked. This was no longer the angelic boy’s face that Sam remembered. This was a young man, a beautiful young man. It hit Sam harder than he expected. He pulled his hand away and lightly ran his fingers along Dean’s face.

Dean tilted his head into the the touch of Sam’s hand. He turned to face his brother and Sam reached behind Dean and pulled him towards him. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dean had agreed to take Sam back tonight. They were in bed; Sam was still asleep with his head nestled against Dean’s neck. His long limbs were draped across his brother’s body. 

It had been only two days and it wasn’t enough. He wanted forever. 

Sam stirred and opened his eyes. He gave Dean that smile and hugged him with all of himself. Dean kissed Sam’s forehead and stayed still with his lips pressed to Sam’s skin and squeezed him tighter. He would memorize this feeling. He would carry it with him.

Sam was aware that their time was up. He had made a promise to Jess and he would go home to her. But he didn’t want to leave Dean, ever again. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

While Sam showered, Dean collected their things and packed their bags. He stuffed a notebook into Sam’s backpack and it fell to the floor, a folded sheet of paper tumbling out. He picked it up and for some reason, he unfolded it and read it. 

“I wish that time and fate were things we could control  
That we could know what’s behind the door, that would hurt us, and not pass through  
I thought it was love, but it was need, yours or mine who’s to say  
That’s not how it’s supposed to be  
There’s someone out there who will treasure you for all your worth  
Forgive me, my heart is elsewhere “

Dean wanted to shred it or burn it, make it disappear. Then it wouldn’t be real. But he held it in his hand.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

As Sam dressed, he was disturbed by Dean’s silence. He was seated on his bed with a sheet of paper crumpled in his hand. He wouldn’t answer any of Sam’s questions. Sam continued to get himself ready to leave. He picked up his backpack and saw his notebook on the floor. There were loose papers scattered around. 

Dean finally looked up at him. His eyes were red rimmed and wet. He blinked and the tears spilled out.  
Sam held the notebook in his hand and then looked again at the crumpled paper that Dean was holding. 

“Dean, you shouldn’t have read that.”

“ Believe me, I wish I hadn’t” Dean answered and made a sound that he hoped was heard as a laugh or some other indication that he wasn’t hurting.

“I mean it, Dean. That was personal.”

“Yeah, I get that. So, would you feel better saying it out loud to me?”

Sam walked over to his brother and knelt in front of him. He took the paper from Dean’s hand and let it fall to the floor. Then he cradled Dean's head with that same hand and wrapped his other arm around his brother's back.

Sam drew Dean towards him until his head came to rest on Sam's chest. Then he touched his cheek to his brother's head and told Dean he was sorry. 

"You never should have seen that letter. It wasn't meant for you."


	7. Chapter 7

Sam and Dean didn’t find their father that weekend. If truth be told, he wasn’t really missing. In fact, Dean had spoken to him about an hour before he went to see Sam. 

John was on a case and he was incommunicado, as they say. But this was an opportunity. Dean had created the story with just enough situation so Sam would cooperate. 

Sam wasn’t too concerned with his father being missing. He would show up, eventually. But, there was something in the way Dean asked for his help. Dean didn’t usually ask for help. 

Dean had been struggling. He was aware that Sam was due to graduate and with that would come real responsibility. It was the kind that didn’t allow for their kind of life. He never expected Sam to stay with him. All he wanted was one more chance to spend some time together. One more hunt, just one more day. 

Dean had never interrupted Sam’s ‘normal’. Sure, he had visited the campus; sure he had kept up with the events in his brother’s life. But, he had gone on with his own life and work. He had made that decision long ago. Sam would get the ‘apple pie’ life he always wanted.

Sam missed Dean, terribly. He thought about him every day. Every single day. Sometimes it was a song on the radio. Sometimes, the aroma of someone else’s bacon cheeseburger. Some days, the smell of fresh brewed coffee would do it. And there were times, when he would practically wrench his neck, to find the source, when he thought he heard the rumble of a V8 engine. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

All Dean could hear was “sorry, sorry, sorry “. Sam’s voice in a loop; and with each repetition, he felt a little bit more of himself drain away. He couldn’t feel anything else. 

He knew Sam was holding him. He was holding him together like the pieces of a puzzle. Everything was there to make the full picture but, in actuality, it was just a bunch of meaningless bits. 

The weekend had been almost perfect. Almost, because it had to end; he knew that. But something had happened. That flicker, that spark it was still alive. He felt it and now he knew that his brother felt it too. They had thrown it all away once; but this time,…. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam had met Jess’ family the previous summer. They were friendly people. They had a nice home with a backyard and neighbors that they knew by name. That weekend, there was a barbeque and a little league baseball game. Sam had an odd feeling like he had stepped into someone else’s dream. 

He imagined having this life. He wondered what the day to day would be like. Wake up early, kiss the wife and kids and go off to work. Do something productive all day then, home for dinner and time with the family. Then, do it all again, the next day. Very normal.

With graduation looming, the possibility of this life was becoming more and more real. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They hadn’t worked together in years. But it was just as seamless and natural as it had always been. They could feel each other’s instincts, predict each other’s movements. And when it was done, they had their celebratory drinks and checked into their customary motel. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam held Dean tighter. He never wanted Dean to see the letter. He wasn’t even to know about it or any of Sam’s plans until it was over. He was afraid his brother would be the brave soldier, the martyr, whatever it took not to ruin Sam’s perfect life. He never thought Dean would misinterpret it. But everything had happened so quickly; Sam hadn’t planned that far in advance, the how or the when to tell him. 

Dean’s arms hung like dead weight from his shoulders. Somehow, he was able to move them to wrap around Sam. His hands hanging loose until he collected enough strength to squeeze his fingers into the fabric of Sam’s t-shirt. 

With that small burst of energy, Dean regained himself. He separated from Sam and attempted to stand up. Sam held firm. He took Dean’s face in his hands and looked into those still slightly red and swollen eyes. 

He started talking, softly but firmly, and he didn’t stop until he saw confirmation that he had been understood. He saw an expression on Dean’s face, like a glow of light, with the realization of what he had just heard.

Then, with a power that seemed to come from beyond himself, Dean hugged Sam so tightly that it forced his breath out. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The night before wasn’t their first time but, their first in a long time. As it was new, it was familiar. As it was exciting, it was comforting. As it was intense, it was tender. As Dean feared it was to be the end, Sam believed it was to be the beginning.

When his brother fell asleep, Sam got out of bed and wrote the letter.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They packed the car and prepared to take the ride to Palo Alto. Sam was going back to say goodbye. He was about to do the most awful thing to Jessica, who had done nothing but love and care for him. Meanwhile, he had been holding a different heart and soul in his care.

She deserved better. And it would take Sam a very long time to forgive himself. 

He would take his few belongings and leave. He would get in the Impala and drive away with his brother. And that wonderful life that Dean told him he deserved would begin.


End file.
